Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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