I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
