John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
