pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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