I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
