its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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