i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
