people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
