i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You can't special order awesome
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
