I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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