We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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