Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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