if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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