She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
