I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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