Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
