I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
