I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
