Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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