I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
