once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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