I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
