is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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