On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
