I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
