the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Shame - the story of my life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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