She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
how does that bad decision feel?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
