I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
