Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
