Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
