Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
