When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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