I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
