OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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