everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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