When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
