I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
