just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
