come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
