Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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