READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
