It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
