I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
