dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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