LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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