here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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