i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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