I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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