Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
