I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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