anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
