yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
